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Eva del Sur

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Southern females are something to behold. Like the Hope diamond, or the towers of Angkor Wat. Men south of the Rio Grande marry them in blissful ignorance of the blessings God has bestowed on them. Some gringos marry the southern females but they do it knowingly, for they have married northern women before and suffered the consequences. Those lucky souls wander south, in spite of post-divorce poverty and/or a missing limb or two, to marry a southern female but most of us know they are running from the gringas. You can tell those men are escapees because they are usually followed by a small cloud of dust generated by the gringa’s lawyers, and sheriffs following them in hot pursuit.

The exiled gather in pubs, cantinas, and other places where they can drink and smoke in peace. Lighting ceremonial cigars they engage in a curious liturgy of thanksgiving. They give glory to God for creating the southern Eve. And they drink to that. Sometimes tears run down their leathered cheeks. They are not remembering Vietnam, Iraq or some other war they survived without major inconveniences. No, those are grateful tears, the sincere sacrifice of a devout heart that acknowledges the Lord’s grace. Those poor sinners have been forgiven and taken to the parlor of Paradise: a small house or apartment in Mexico City or Lima where they got to know the smell and taste of love turned into food, the warm embrace of a girl who has no idea of what a divorce lawyer is but thanks God every night for her man. The poor gringo thinks of his wasted years in Pittsburgh or Boston and silently says “never more” with a conviction that would make Poe’s crow hesitant by comparison.

I am not lying when I affirm that southern Eve is a lady. Not by training or education but naturally. Most gringas instead are larger varieties of the mantis religiosa, except that the mantis is incapable of self-righteousness and has better table manners. Honest! I read that in some National Geographic long ago. Another curious characteristic of the gringa is her tendency to evolve from youthful sweet salad-eating female into a bitter almost-male carnivore cannibalistic creature. Scientists are working hard at explaining that phenomena but there are hints that Prozac, lawyers, and plastic surgeons have something to do with the awful transformation that turns a cuddly Minnesota creature into something with all the femininity of Tony Clifton. Then comes menopause and things get worse.

Southern Eves are not like that. Although some are becoming like their northern cousins. With some luck we shall get the Ebola epidemic first and avoid full contagion of the gringa syndrome. For instance: last summer I was taking a walk around Buenos Aires and I got thirsty. I decided to stop for a beer at a friendly local bar when lo and behold! I saw a group of strange creatures had taken a few tables next to the wall. I could hear them quack loudly, their horrible shrieks resembled English imprecations of the most vile variety. For just a second I felt sorry for not having some peanuts to lure one of those creatures into a net, and take it to the nearest museum of natural history. Then I saw a male waiter serving them pizza and drinks. The poor man’s demeanor showed he was enduring the unkindest abuse. Then I realized that I had stumbled into a flock of gringas on vacation. The combination of impudent mini-shorts and cellulite confirmed it but I should have detected them earlier by the abundant use of English profanity and the waving of credit cards.

Fearing for my life and the integrity of my male genitals, I quickly exited the bar. Walking down a block or two I found a small cafe where I ordered a cold beer. Before taking my first sip I silently thanked the Almighty for the southern Eve.

 

Odeon

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Carlos Caso-Rosendi Real progress consists in the movement of mankind toward the understanding of norms, and toward conformity to norms. Real decadence consists in the movement of mankind away from the understanding of norms, and away from obedience to norms. Russell Kirk, Enemies of the Permanent Things, 1969